Let's start with coaching:

Frank "Crash" Gansz

A really good special teams coach, a really suck head coach. Record for 1987-1988: 8-22-1. After the Chiefs lost their 1986 playoff game to the Jets (they'd been out of the playoffs for 15 years) a bunch of players headed up by Nick Lowery,went to Chiefs management to get John "Sleepy" Mackovic fired. The players said "Crash should be head coach. We want Crash! Our special teams are good, and he tells the best stories!" At least "Crash" drafted Christian Okoye and Neil Smith under his watch. He also picked pitiful Paul Palmer as a first rounder in 1987. Crash was famous for hyping players up with his riveting "War Stories" about being a blood n guts fighter pilot in the war. Turned out he only flew cargo planes. If he could have kept the press from exposing his "embellishments," he might be head coach at Notre Dame now! His son, "Baby Gansz," is Dick Vermeil's special teams coach. Wonder if Baby Gansz is going to entertain the Chiefs special teamers with stories on how he helped win the Gulf War?

John "Sleepy" Mackovic

The first narcoleptic NFL head coach, slept through the 1983-1986 seasons. "Sleepy" replaced future Hall of Fame Coach Marv Levy in 1983, because clueless executives Jack "Worlds of Chiefs" Steadman and Jim "The Pinhead" Schaaf held Marv responsible for the 1982 NFL Players Strike. Marv was fired for going 3 - 6 in a strike year. Sleepy's record as Chief's head coach: 30-34. When Sleepy went 10 - 6 in 1986 and got the Chiefs into their first playoff game in 15 years, he was rewarded by being fired and replaced with "Crash" Gansz. Sleepy's legacy as Chiefs Coach was his very first draft pick in 1983, the famous "Class of 1983" for quarterbacks. The only guy he didn't have a shot at was John Elway. He could have had two future Hall of Famers, Jim Kelly or Dan Marino. Before the draft, Sleepy worked out Marino at Arrowhead. Marino swore at the Chiefs receivers when they dropped a pass. Goodness, we can't have that! So with the 7th overall pick in the draft, the Chiefs passed up Kelly and Marino and picked Penn State's God Squader TODD BLACKLEDGE! Todd was a nice boy. Very proper, reverent, a dream to coach, and wanted to win, gosh darnit. But while Marino, Kelly and Elway were leading their AFC teams to the Super Bowl, Todd couldn't unseat incumbent Chiefs starting QB Ms. Bill Kenney; the biggest wuss QB in Chiefs history! Sleepy's blunder cost the Chiefs for the next 15 years. Other brilliant first round picks included Ethan Horton and Brian Jozwiak. Horton was a running back from North Carolina. He stunk it up, and later becme a fairly good tight end for the evil Raiders. Jozwiak had arthritic knees and hips, but the Chiefs drafted him anyway. He only lasted three years, most of the time on the disabled list. Sleepy eventually went back to NCAA coaching and finished off his coaching career by annoying Arizona Wildcat fans.

 Mike "SUCK" Stock

Arguably the worst assistant coach in Chiefs history. SUCK started with the Chiefs in 1995, taking over Chiefs special teams from Marty's kid brother Kurt, who got promoted to coaching the defensive backs. When Marty left, Gunther Cunningham kept SUCK on staff as special teams coach, despite the Chiefs chronic holding and clipping penalties. SUCK also coached putrid kickers like Lin Elliott and punter Daniel Pope. SUCK's shining moment came in the final game of the 1999 season. The Chiefs had a home game with the evil Raiders. A Chiefs win would make them 10-6 and AFC West Champions. A Raider win would make Oakland 8-8, and cook the Chiefs chances at post season play, as Seattle would then win the AFC West. Place kicker Pete Stoyanovich was nursing a sore leg, so SUCK brought in a reject from the CFL named Jon Baker. Baker's only job for the Raider game was to kickoff, kick it deep and down the middle.The Chiefs got out to a 17-0 lead, until SUCK's special teams gave up a blocked punt which the Raiders turned into a demoralizing touchdown. The Raiders then ran off 21 unanswered points to take the lead. In the mean time, twice during the game after the Chiefs regained the lead, kickoff specialist Baker kicked the ball out of bounds, giving the Raiders the ball on the Raiders' 40 to start a drive. With time winding down, SUCK allowed Stoyanovich to try a 45 yard game winning field goal, which he (of course) missed. When the Raiders won the toss to begin overtime, they wanted the football. Despite kicking off out of bounds twice in regulation, SUCK sent Baker back out to kickoff the sudden death overtime period. Guess what happened? Baker kicked off... OUT OF BOUNDS for a THIRD TIME! The Raiders got the ball on their 40 yard line. Rich Gannon passed the ball right down the field into Chiefs territory for a quick game ending 33-yard field goal. Result: Raiders win 41-38 at Arrowhead, the Chiefs were bounced from the playoff hunt, Seattle goes to the playoffs as the only AFC West representative. Cunningham said after the game "It's probably the most frustrating football game I've ever gone though.You kick the ball out of bounds one time, but you don't do it three times in a game like that. It's been something that's been a problem all year, and we're going to have to correct it. We're going to have to find a kicker who can do those things." Rarely in NFL history has a bonehead special teams coach been allowed to cost a team a division championship, and then be BROUGHT BACK the next season! But that's exactly what happened. SUCK's contract finally expired with the Chiefs after the 2000 season, and in 2001 after being drummed out of KC by Dick Vermeil, SUCK took his act to Washington to coach special teams for Marty. In his debut return to KC during the exhibition season, SUCK's Redskins special teams gave up a punt return for a Chiefs touchdown. The Chiefs never broke another kick return for a TD the rest of the year. Suck was hired in 2004 as St. Louis Ram's Special Teams coach by their unbelievably psychotic head coach Mike "Wiley Coyote" Martz. In 2006, Suck turned in another lackluster special teams coaching performance for one of the NFL's most mediocre teams, the Green Bay Packers.

Greg "Dr. Evil" Robinson

Here's another qualified candidate for the all-time worst assistant coach in Chiefs history. Mix in a spoonful of Bob Boone, a dash of Mike Martz, toss in two questionably-earned Super Bowl rings and dump in an extra big ol' serving of Austin Power's nemesis, shake well and you get....Greg Robinson! In 2001 when KC's defensive-minded head coach Gunther Cunningham's termination was announced over the internet (before Gun even knew it was a done deal), new head coach "Grandpa Dick" Vermeil admitted he was primarily an offensive-minded guy. Grandpa Dick wanted to turn the defensive reins over to one highly qualified man, delegate the defensive duties to that man and stay out of the way. His choice was Dr. Evil, who had been fired after the 2000 season by Denver's Mike Shanahan. Dr. Evil flashed two Super Bowl rings courtesy of John Elway, and "The Scheme." Yep, "The Scheme." That's how the defensive players all described it, although none of them could ever explain exactly what "The Scheme" was. The general explanation was to call it a read and react defense based primarily on cover two or cover three protections with a variety of zone blitzes and coverage packages intermingled. The object was to confuse the enemy with complexity. In reality, the only confusion was created in the minds of Chiefs defenders. "The Scheme" was your basic Chinese fire drill. Defensive players were shuttled on and off the field like chorus girls in a Broadway show. Players were often confused about who went where and why. Bizarre stunts were employed. Speed rushing defensive ends dropped back in pass coverage; and nobody ever seemed to know who was responsible for what gap. The result? In 2001 it was awful pass coverage by Toasty Warfied and Crispy Bartee resulting in a defense ranked 23rd in the NFL. In 2002, a horrendous "32 defense" was concocted that sucked like a hoover in all phases; giving up an average of 390 offensive yards per game. Dr. Evil then convinced Grandpa Dick that the loss of Jerome Woods and Ryan Sims to injury was the main defensive problem. Getting Woods and Sims back healthy and plugging in a few defensive free agents would fix the mix. So after suffering with a defensive unit ranked dead last in the NFL, the 2003 Chiefs drafted a running back in the first round, pulled in free agents Vonnie Holiday, Dexter McCleon and Shawn Barber and retained the services of Dr. Evil to mastermind the defense for another season. The result? The Chiefs ranked 29th in the NFL in total defense and were 30th against the rush giving up 146 ground yards per game. Ugly regular season performances against Denver and Minnesota were only a preview of the disaster that was to come: the home playoff game against the Colts. The Chiefs with a first round playoff bye had two weeks to prepare. The Colts had endured a hard hitting Wild Card game with Denver the week before. The KC weather was perfect for January, a cloudless sky and low 50's temperatures. More than 79-thousand rabid Chiefs fans provided a deafening roar and a sea of red, anxious to exorcise the demons of first round home playoff losses to Denver in 1997 and to these same Colts in 1995. The Colts won the toss. The Chiefs never stopped them. The Colts had eight possessions; scored on six. They never punted. Not once. They ran out the clock at the end of the first half and end of the game. The one time the Chiefs actually stopped Peyton Manning on third down, they were penalized for having 13 guys on the field. Manning was 22 of 30 for 304 yards, three TDs and no picks. The Chiefs forced no turnovers. In a game that became a wild offensive shootout, the Colts won 38-31 and moved on to New England for the AFC Championship game. The loss set an NFL record as no team had ever before managed to lose three consecutive home playoff games following a bye week. No NFL team since 1975 had started the season 9-0 and lost their first playoff game. Dr. Evil had made history. He scurried off the field following the debacle shielded by five security guards, then hid from the press in the locker room until he was spotted by reporters trying to sneak out the back door. Three days later, in a tear-soaked hug fest press conference, Grandpa Dick accepted Dr. Evil's "resignation," which was totally unnecessary because Dr. Evil's three year contract had expired. He was technically no longer employed by the Chiefs. Grandpa Dick wailed and gnashed teeth over the departure, and questioned the manhood of the local antagonistic reporters on hand for the press conference. He challenged the reporters to measure up to the shining example of dignity and grace exhibited that day by the esteemed Dr. Evil. Grandpa Dick said few people have the "balls" of Dr. Evil to resign in such a public forum. At least Grandpa Dick didn't have the "balls" to saddle Chiefs fans and players with another year of "The Scheme." Robinson took "The Scheme" to the University of Texas as their defensive coordinator in 2004, and in 2005 he was Head Coach at Syracuse!

On To The Awful Players!

Line Up For Another Kickoff