I'm going to Kansas City. Kansas City here I come. They got crazy little women. And for your information, I did get me one. Kansas City has always had crazy little women. In the 1960's the Chiefs were one of the best franchises in the AFL, they played at old Municipal Stadium. The Chiefs crazy little cheerleaders all looked like peppy, perky, button nosed little corn-fed sorority heifers. They wore letterman's sweaters, cute little skirts, bobby socks and big poofy corsages. They were healthy, pretty, normal Midwestern girls.

The mascot was a horse named Warpaint who would run around the field every time the Chiefs scored. Warpaint was a beautiful appaloosa horse ridden bareback by an incredibly politically incorrect white guy named Bob Johnson. Dressed up in feathers, leather and make up, Johnson was Godfather to the Village People. In 1975, the Chiefs beat the highly favored, highly evil Raiders 42 to 10. Raiders head coach John Madden said "We couldn't beat the Chiefs, but we damn near killed their horse." Warpaint was eventually retired, as his age and Johnson's age finally caught up with them. When the Chiefs moved to Arrowhead, Warpaint started slip sliding on the track that surrounded the astroturf field; and during one game took a nasty spill. Warpaint was put out to pasture, and the Chiefs went without a mascot for a few years.

When Arrowhead Stadium opened in 1972, it was Valley of the Dolls. The usherettes wore short little skirts and knee high go go boots. They were all babes, and were eye candy for a brand new multi million dollar state of the art stadium.

The 1970's cheerleaders were still doing their best to look 16 years old, although most of the girls were in their mid 20's.

The 1970's Chiefs also had their own Rockettes style group of chorus girls, called the "Chiefettes." Their job was to wear short skirts, high heeled go-go boots, and kick their legs up really high to show off their undergarments. This was done primarily for the enjoyment of sexually repressed dirty old men (to offset the regular cheerleaders, dressed for the enjoyment of the pedophiles.) Sadly, feminism and political correctness spelled the end of the Chiefettes.

In the Mid 1980's, the NFL big thinkers deemed it necessary that every NFL franchise have an officially licensed mascot for greedy merchandising purposes. The Chiefs complied by adding this total embarrassment, which we used to call "The Big Fat Ass Ugly Papoose." This mascot represented the 1980s Chiefs perfectly: Fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, dazed and confused. This alleged mascot would usually stumble aimlessly along the sidelines. It's rumoured that the "Papoose" was worn by long time Chiefs play by play man and party animal Bill Grigsby, wandering around in a drunken stupor. The fans hated this mascot, and used to curse and spit at it and put "Kick Me" signs on its back. It was mercifully scalped when King Carl showed up in 1988.

With the demise of the Chiefettes, a new late 1970's hybrid Chiefs cheerleader was invented. It blended the perky, 16-year old high school cheerleader look with the nylons and high heeled go go boots look. Farah Fawcett hair was a must have.

When King Carl came along in the late 80's, the marketing weasels got their grubby little fingers into everything. In order to make the Chiefs a more "fan friendly" experience, green shirted security thugs were added to patrol the stadium. You could be physically removed from the stadium for smoking, excessive drinking, yelling "F*&# You, You Suck," or for fighting with equally drunk, foul-mouthed parole violating Raiders fans. A "Just Say Rah" mantra was the new order. The cheerleaders were removed from their nylons and go go boots, and put into stupid looking little pre-schooler outfits with red knee socks. Aren't they darling? Yeesh!

The worst idea ever by the marketing weasels was the addition in the late 80's of male cheerleaders, as the Chiefs tried to emulate a college game day environment. The really sad thing was that the top college teams of that era would totally kick the Chiefs' asses. The "Broken Arrows" only lasted a couple years, as they were an NFL laughingstock, especially for fans of visiting teams.

At least the Chiefs mascot improved. KC Wolf or "Woofie" as the fans call him, came in with the King Carl era. Woofie was named after the Chiefs "Wolfpack," a group of rabid fans who used to sit in temporary bleachers at old Municipal Stadium. On TV, Woofie looks like a big rat or raccoon. Woofie works his butt off; gets up and mingles with the crowd, is fun to watch and has a twisted personality. He puts the old "Big Fat Ass Papoose" mascot to shame. And of course, the kiddies love him.

In fact, the kiddies love him so much, in 2003 the Chiefs unveiled a giant inflateable Woofie that bobs and wobbles around the stadium. Hmmm...huge, wobbly, filled with hot air...I thought maybe Bob Gretz was inside the Woofie suit, but then I saw him on the sidelines...

The modern Chiefs cheerleaders look more like the other typical cheerleaders around the NFL. The marketing weasels re-discovered one universal truth: T&A sells. Modern Chiefs cheerleaders are all twenty something girls who look like Ex Hooters waitresses; show lots of skin and look good on TV. They come on the field at the end of the first and third quarter and suggestively gyrate for about thirty seconds. Oh, and they try to catch the attention of Tony Gonzalez so they might have a shot at bearing his child.

Sometimes they do incredibly lame stuff like trying to force 78,000 people to do the Macarena. Please, just stick to the basics!

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